The Courage to Be Happy is an exploration of Alfred Adler’s philosophy and psychology, known as ‘Adlerian psychology’, which emphasises individual empowerment and the pursuit of personal happiness.
Alfred Adler (1870-1937) was an Austrian physician and psychotherapist. Adler's theories emphasised the importance of social relationships and community, suggesting that the primary drive in human behaviour is not sexual (as Freud proposed) but rather a striving for significance and superiority. Adler's work has had a lasting impact on psychology, particularly in the areas of counselling, therapy, education, and child development.
Philosophy is more of a living attitude than a field of study. In original Greek, philosophia means the ‘love of wisdom’. Philo means love, Sophia meaning knowledge or wisdom. In other words, philosophy is the ‘study of the love of wisdom’, and philosophers are ‘lovers of knowledge’.
If someone says that they are a ‘wise man’ who knows all there is to know, that person, by definition, can no longer be a lover of knowledge (philosopher). In the words of Kant, “we cannot learn philosophy. We can only learn to philosophise”.
Socrates, in his dialogue with the self-proclaimed wise men known as the ‘Sophists’, arrived at the following conclusion:
I (Socrates) know that my knowledge is not complete. I know my own ignorance. The sophists, on the other hand, those would-be wise men, intend to understand everything and know nothing of their own ignorance. In this respect – in my knowledge of my own ignorance – I am more a wise man than they are.
Here are the 6 key lessons I took from this deeply insightful book:
Lesson 1: Have concerns for other people’s concerns
Adler believed in 2 core concepts for happiness:
1. Social Feeling (or "Gemeinschaftsgefühl" in German)
Social feeling is a central concept in Adlerian psychology. It refers to an individual’s sense of belonging and connectedness to humanity and society.
This feeling is characterised by an intrinsic interest in the welfare of others and the community at large.
2. Concern for others
This is closely related to social feeling but focuses more on the actions and attitudes that reflect a genuine interest in the well-being of others.
Adler believed that both, social feeling and concern for others are integral to achieving a balanced and fulfilling life.
Lesson 2: The objective of education is self-reliance
Adler believed that the need for education is largely driven by Social Feeling and Concern for Others. Imagine if there were no people left on Earth and you were the only person alive.
There would be nothing you have to know, and education would not be necessary, either. You would not have any need for knowledge.
It’s because of other people and society that there is knowledge that should be studied. For instance, if you were to be thrown into society without knowing any traffic rules, without knowing the meaning of red lights and green lights, or, if you had no driving skills and found yourself behind the wheel? This is an issue of life and death – putting your life and others in danger.
Lesson 3: Respect
Respect is seeing a person as they are.
No matter how powerful one is, there are 2 things that cannot be forced onto others:
1. Respect
2. Love
Let’s say the person at the top of an organisation is authoritarian. The employees will follow his orders, and they will probably display obedient behaviour. But that submission is based on fear, without an iota of respect. In their hearts, they are likely to grow more and more distant from him.
The employees are not hearing a single word that comes out of that person’s mouth. They do not entertain the slightest thought of understanding that person. They just cover their ears and shut their eyes and wait for the storm of that person’s rage to pass.
This is a vicious cycle, because the ‘leader’ failed to take the initial step of respecting the employees.
Respect, however, is not something that comes about with words. And whenever someone tries to cosy up to someone in such a way, the lie or calculation is quickly detected. The moment they think, ‘this person is lying’, respect isn’t possible anymore.
Do not stroke their egos, that’s exactly the sort of idea that is degrading to people. By way of your own personal practice of it, show what it is to have respect.
Cowardice is contagious. And courage is contagious, too. Naturally, respect also becomes contagious.
Lesson 4: Your ‘now’ decides the past
In history, it is always the present that is the ultimate truth.
Whenever one authority is overthrown, a new ruler will rewrite the past again. But they do so only for the purpose of their own legitimacy. So the ‘past’, in the most basic sense of the word, does not exist.
For instance, if an armed group of a certain country is planning a coup d'état but the attempt ends in failure, they will be defamed in the history books as traitors. Conversely, if the coup d'état succeeds and the government is overthrown, their names will be remembered in history as heroes who took a stand against tyranny.
"Pirates are evil? The Marines are righteous? These terms have always changed throughout the course of history! Kids who have never seen peace and kids who have never seen war have different values! Those who stand at the top determine what's wrong and what's right! This very place is neutral ground! Justice will prevail, you say? But of course it will! Whoever wins this war becomes justice!" – Eiichiro Oda, One Piece.
Adler believed that individuals were no different. We are all compilers of our own solo story, the story of ‘me’. We rewrite our own past as desired to prove the legitimacy of the ‘me now’.
Regardless of what may have occurred in the past, nothing is determined by it. It does not matter if there are past traumas, either. Because human beings are not driven by past ‘causes’ but live according to present ‘goals’.
Suppose, for example, the person who says, ‘My home environment was bad and that’s why I have a dark personality’. Adler would think that this is a life lie.
The truth is that person first has the goal: I don’t want to get hurt by getting involved with other people. In order to realise this goal, they choose a ‘dark personality’ that doesn’t get involved with anyone.
Then, as an excuse for having themselves chosen such a personality, they bring up their past home environment.
We are not creatures who are determined by past events. Rather, we determine our own lives according to the meaning we give to those events.
Adler was a strong believer of human dignity and human potential. He believed that human beings could determine themselves at any time.
Lesson 5: Do not rebuke and do not praise
Rebuke – expression of sharp disapproval or criticism of someone because of their behaviour or actions. Rebuking is conduct that damages each other’s respect. Anger and reprimand are low-cost, immature and violent means of communication.
Praise – expression of warm approval or admiration of someone because of their behaviour or actions. Do not praise, either. Praising gives rise to the principle of competition within the community and implants in the child a lifestyle, or a worldview, of ‘other people are my enemies’.
Adler was a strong believer against reward and punishment. To understand why, we need to firstly understand why some children get involved in problem behaviour.
Adlerian psychology focuses on the ‘goal’ that lie hidden in that behaviour. Adler believed that there are 5 escalating stages for problem behaviour:
Stage 1: demand for admiration
Students play the role of the ‘good child’ to their parents, teachers and other people. A person working in an organisation strives to demonstrate his drive and obedience to their boss and senior colleagues. By doing so, they hope to gain praise. Adler believed that this was a pitfall, since their goal will always be to receive praise and, moreover, to gain a privileged position within the community.
What do you think happens when their efforts garner no praise at all from their parents and teachers, or their bosses and co-workers? They are much more likely to become dissatisfied and maybe even resentful.
Losing motivation, they adopt a lifestyle, or mindset which basically says, ‘what’s the point of doing well if I’m not going to be praised for it? I’ll engage in bad behaviour unless there is someone who will punish me’.
How do you deal with this situation? You teach them continually that they have worth, even if they are not special. By showing them respect.
Stage 2: attention drawing
At this stage, the person now thinks, ‘it’s okay not to be praised. I will just make myself standout’. People who engage in attention-drawing behaviour are seeking to be noticed and acknowledged.
They might act out, create disruptions, or perform exaggerated actions to ensure they are the focus of attention. This behaviour is usually motivated by a feeling of being overlooked or not getting enough attention from important figures in their life, such as parents or teachers. The goal is to gain the attention they feel is lacking.
Stage 3: power struggles
In power struggles, children assert their will against authority figures, such as parents or teachers, to feel a sense of control and autonomy.
They may become defiant, argue, or refuse to comply with requests and rules. This behaviour is driven by a need to assert independence and demonstrate that they have power over their own decisions. The struggle often arises when the child feels their sense of control is being threatened.
How do you deal with this situation? Don’t engage in battle. That’s the only thing you should do right away.
Stage 4: revenge
Unable to win a victory or gain a privileged position, the person withdraws temporarily and then plots revenge.
The person takes love’s revenge on those who would not recognise the irreplaceable ‘me’… on those who would not love them.
Demand for admiration, attention and power struggles… all of these are expressions of the love-starved feeling that says, ‘I want you to have greater regard for me’.
In a sorrowful way, the moment that a person realises his longing for love will not be fulfilled, they flip the coin to look for hate. “If they aren’t going to love me, then hate me”.
Children of the third stage can sometimes be celebrated for their courage to stand up to authority and to adults. But children who plunge into the stage of revenge are not celebrated by anyone.
Hated and feared by their parents and teachers, and even their classmates, little by little they become isolated.
How do you deal with this situation? There is nothing you can do about it. Their goal is revenge on you. The more you try to give them a helping hand, the more their words and actions will escalate, as they will only see it as an opportunity for revenge. At this point, the only thing to do is to request professional assistance from an outside party who has no vested interest whatsoever.
Stage 5: proof of incompetence
Though they have taken all sorts of steps to assure that they will be treated as a special being, none of them is going as planned. Imagine you couldn’t find a ‘place to be’ in either the classroom or at home. What would you do, if this were you?
Generally, this person gives up. ‘Don’t expect anything of me, because I’m incompetent’.
They do this in order to not get hurt anymore. If they think, ‘Maybe I can do it’, when they undertake an assignment and then end up failing to complete it, they will wish they had decided ‘there’s no way I can do it’ at the outset and just give up.
It would be easier that way, and there would be no worry of being further overcome with disappointment.
How do you deal with this situation? You can’t. Your role as a parent/teacher is to try your best to prevent the child from getting beyond the 3rd stage. After that, professionals are the only ones that can help.
Remember? Purpose of education is self-reliance
Rebuking and praising, or in other words, reward and punishment stand in the way of the child’s self-reliance. Because reward and punishment are a method of trying to keep the child under one’s control, and the adult who relies on this conduct, is somewhere deep inside, afraid of the child’s self-reliance.
They want the child to stay a child forever. Consequently, they use that reward and punishment to restrain them. Prepared with excuses such as ‘I’m doing it for you’ or ‘I’m worried about you’. This sort of attitude in adults contains no respect and cannot lead to the building of good relationships.
Self-reliance is one’s own determining of one’s worth. The attitude of the need for approval, of trying to get another person to decide one’s worth, is just, dependence…
Some people on hearing the term self-reliance will only be able to consider its economic aspects. But there are 10-year-old children who are self-reliant. And there are people in their 50s and 60s who are not. Self-reliance is a mindset.
Lesson: 6: Love
Almost all the love that gets talked about does not quite grasp its actual state. Love, to Adler, is not something one falls into. Most people talk about ‘divine love’ and instinctive ‘animal love’ and no one even attempts to speak of ‘human love’.
We can demonstrate a certain understanding of all these kinds of love. We can accept that there are such aspects. At the same time, however, we should be aware that something is missing. The moment of falling in love is almost entirely the result of action of the subconscious. No matter what, it is a bit of a stretch to explain it using logical language.
It’s the same as the audience member who is moved on seeing a play or a movie and cannot explain why he is crying. Because if the tears were so rational as to be explainable with words, they wouldn’t flow in the first place.
Romantic love is something one ‘falls’ into. Love is an uncontrollable impulse.
To Adler, however, true love is something we build. Love that is just ‘falling’, anyone can do. Such a thing is not worthy of being called ‘true love’. It is because we build it up from nothing by our strength of will that the task of love is, difficult.
Many people try to speak of love without having any knowledge of this principle. As a result, they must resort to words like destiny, which is none of our human business, and animalistic instinct. They avoid looking directly at the task that should be most important to them, as if it were beyond the scope of their will or effort.
Adler wasn’t against falling in love. He, was however, more focused on Cinderella’s relationship with Prince Charming after they get married, after the closing credits have passed and the movie is over. Even if passionate love leads to marriage, that is not the goal of love. Marriage is really the starting point of their love.
To Adler, happiness is the feeling of contribution. For all of us, it is only when we can feel ‘I am of use to someone’ that we can have a true awareness that we have worth.
On the other hand, we have no way of knowing whether our conduct is really useful. Because even if there is a person right in front of you who appears to be enjoying things, in principle, there is no way you can tell if they are really enjoying things.
It is difficult to be loved by another person. But loving another person is a task of far greater difficulty. Love is a task accomplished by two people. What do they accomplish? Happiness. They accomplish a happy life.
This brings us to the term of ‘feeling of contribution’. All we need is the subjective sense that ‘I am of use to someone’, or, in other words, a ‘feeling of contribution’.
There is no need to look for any other basis. Try to find happiness in the feeling of contribution. Try to find joy in the feeling of contribution.
We gain a true awareness that we are of use to someone through our work relationships.
We gain a true awareness that we are of use to someone through our friendly relationships.
And if we do that, then happiness is right in front of us.
Thank you for reading.
You can find the full book on amazon here.
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